Up until about a year and a half ago I was still caught up in the midst of anorexia and battling recovery and was living with this immense fear that my eating disorder would just return in full force out of nowhere. That one day I would wake up and realise that recovery was just a dream and I was still starving, binging, purging and freaking out in psychedelic moments! I used to wake up panic stricken from dreaming that I was binging or being chased by giant food (something which is impossible but to me so real) I used to wake up in a panic that I had gained weight overnight. My dreams, would feel unbelievably real, portraying my deepest fears and haunting my day to day life; for a period of recovery and coming out of anorexia they got stronger.
I remember a sense of loss when starting recovery this thing this disease had been my saviour , my sole guidance, my best friend for 7 years what would take its place, what whowould I turn to in order to cope, who would be in control! When you've experienced a lot of loss you don't want to be the person to put yourself back in that position and you become numb, one thing I wrote in that time was this; Sometimes, to let go, we need to feel. We need to mourn. In many ways I have been in mourning, secretly.
It hits me in the quiet moments as my world slows down and I remember. I remember who I used to be and how much I desperately wanted to be free, yet was so scared of being so, physically crippled with fear at times. I would M have to be me! Only me, all me- this was the biggest fear of all.
Through this time I experienced many feelings loss of the person I was before I got ill, and guilt for what I had put my family through, their loss, fear, betrayal and grief. Most importantly there was hope there was always hope- initially with the idea that i wouldn't have to change, that I could go back to the girl I was. But then into the hope that I could shape my life I can create what I want and be who I wanted to be- this frightened the shit out of me; but it meant that the person I didn't like, the person I had become I would have to stare in the face and change! Change it to what or who I wanted to be! I also didn't know who or what that was but I knew that to stay as I was I would continue to be unhappy and kill myself slowly!
Sometimes it takes time to catch up with reality. I guess that is what I am doing, catching up on life that I missed out on! I'm not the same girl I was before I got ill and some part of that is hard for my family to grasp but I've grown and developer in ways I could not have imagined two years ago, and just general growing up I was only a child when I got Ill and this has followed me through my teens and into adult life, to some degree those years are a vivid blur (that makes no sense but it makes perfect sense). I'm not saying I'm completely there some days are harder than others put I keep going I keep fighting I keep pushing. I'm not saying that I'll ever be completely free of anorexia and there are certain aspects of the eating disorder that will manifest into my everyday life in a natural and healthy way, which is fine, what I can't allow. I so want you to know, that if you struggle in any way, my heart goes out and you must know there is hope, there is always hope.
I wanted to provide you with some background to having a mental illness which also had physical implications (and why my mum taking me to A&E doesn't do anything). Firstly my disordered started in April, I didn't get a doctors assessment until September! Once this had been done I was referred to CAMHS, a child mental health service who would do their own assessment and take it from there; still no diagnosis nor support. My mum took me back to the GP weekly and yes the option of A&E is there and we used that a lot, but without diagnosis they aren'tallowed to NG feed you so the most they ever done was intravenous fluids and tea with 17 sugars which made me vomit and left me feeling worse. I know what it's like to want to disappear, I know what it's like to want to die and I know what it's like to write a letter apologising for all the pain you've caused and the shame you've brought and that without me things would be a lot less complicated, I never ever made it obvious that I had planned it down to a T! I never told them that I was planning it(this is what you do when you’re going to go through with it and don't want anyone to stop you) I had my first CAMHS assessment 19/12/2007 and was admitted to hospital on 28/12/2007. Things got that bad I had a 24hr RMN nurse and wasn't allowed to toilet alone- I wasn't allowed anything which contained a blade, mum had to shave me and all medication locked in a cupboard!- so yes while there were physical/visual issues the psychological were far greater.